I’m 5’2, and my highest weight that I stayed at for a long time was 215. I got to 25, and realized I had never been in a relationship. I was too self conscious about my body, and no one really hit on me, anyway. I’d get things like “but you’re pretty regardless!” And that was such a weird feeling of “oh good, I’m glad I’m not ugly?” Mixed with “oh wow, there’s something really bad about me”. I was fat, but I knew myself, I was (mostly) comfortable, I was generally happy, I was sure of myself.
Then, I lost 100 pounds. I weigh between 115-120 now. What gets me is how differently I’m treated.
After 70 pounds lost, in one month I had gotten hit on more times that I’ve probably even interacted with a man in my life. I thought it was a fluke. At my job today, a guy came in who I recognized has been coming to our town for the past couple years on vacation. Incredibly cute, really nice and personable. When he used to come in, he didn’t really look at me twice, and I would think “if only I was skinny, I might be worth looking at”.
Well, today… today he looked. I could tell he didn’t even recognize me (not that I’d expect him to, weight loss or not) but then after he left, he came back an hour later to ask me out on a date. This should have made me happy. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been tongue tied around this guy. I should have been excited. Instead, I felt nothing and politely declined. It was only after, as I was sitting at my desk, that I got incredibly sad. I became sad about how much your appearance can affect how people see you.
I became sad because the irony is… me now, the one he actually noticed? The absolute mess with depression, body dysmorphia, a horrible relationship with herself and food, irritable all the time, no longer enjoys life? I doubt that’s someone he’d actually want to take out. But… that other girl? The old me, who was overweight, confident, vibrant, sure of herself, happy, enjoyed life and everything it had to offer, kind to herself and others?
He probably would have really liked her.