Every person has their own set of priorities and wants to meet a spouse who shares their viewpoint. If you come across one, consider yourself fortunate. However, sometimes things do not go as planned, like in this case. Read the article to find out what transpired between these two lovers, and do you believe the girlfriend made the right choice?
Source: Reddit
This is really something I never thought I’d be posting about but I don’t know how to deal with this.
My fiancé Derek and I are both in our late 20’s, and we’re childfree. No kids, no plans on kids. He supported me through getting my bachelors and nursing school, and now I’m supporting him through college. We live in a moderately cramped studio apartment, and are saving for a down payment on a nice house outside of the city.
Derek’s dad and stepmother, his half-brother’s mother, both died in a pretty horrific accident that I dont want to name or specify on for privacy reasons. I’m trying to do my best to support Derek through this, and I’ve taken over funeral planning. His dad and step mother were both broke, and I’m currently paying for the funeral out of pocket, no one else in his family can contribute. Since the accident his brother, (12), has been at their aunt’s house. He hates it there. Apparently he has to sleep on the floor and she has five young kids that she makes him babysit. I really feel for the kid, I’m sure it’s absolutely awful.
Derek want’s to have his brother move in with us, but I’m not comfortable sharing a room with this 13 year old boy I’ve met twice. I also don’t want to support him, that’s at least a six year commitment that I never signed up for. I don’t even want kids. Derek has suggested we move into a bigger apartment, but our studio is about as cheap as it gets in this city. We lucked out and have been here for five years and the landlord has never raised the rent. If we move it’ll probably cost around 3k to move, and an extra 1k$ per month at least. Not to mention an extra mouth to feed, school clothes and supplies to buy, etc. It doesn’t feel fair to me at all, and I feel like Derek is using the fact that he supported me for four years against me. Yes he supported me, but it was a lot cheaper to pay for two people in a studio apartment rather than supporting 3 in a bigger and more expensive place. The deal was for him to support me, and for me to support him. Not him and his brother.
He just started school this semester, he has essentially four more years to go. That’s four years of me having to support a household, and what if we break up? I’ll have spent four years supporting a kid I don’t want for nothing. I suggested Derek drop out of school and get a job so he can contribute if he wants to support his brother, and said that I would pay for him to go back to school after his brother graduates highschool. Derek doesn’t want to put off college for another six years, which I don’t necessarily blame him for.
But his brother will be safe and fed at his aunts house. According to both of them that isn’t good enough. I grew up in foster care and I didn’t always have somewhere safe to stay, so I guess I’m biased.
AITA for not wanting to support my fiance’s younger brother?
Edit: so I did the math on the costs of him supporting me vs me supporting him and his brother, copy and pasting from a comment:
I’ve done the math in an attempt to show him, made an excel sheet and everything. He spent on average supporting us 1400 a month over the years I was in school, give or take. My presence cost him an additional 300$ a month than if he were to live in the studio alone. Essentially feeding me and paying for the basics cost him around 15k over the course of the four years that I was in school. We really have scraped by the last several years, no eating out. Christmas gifts, etc. I’ve already paid 10k for his parents funeral, moving would cost around 3k, that all alone would cost nearly as much as he spent on supporting me.
If we move to an average 2 bed apartment in the area our monthly expenses would be roughly around 2700$, and thats without me buying anything nice for his brother, no school trips, no decent school clothes, etc. It would cost me around 1200 currently to live alone in our studio. So he was paying roughly 300$ additional a month to provide for me, whereas in the future id be paying at least 1500$ a month to provide for him and his brother. It’s just not even comparable.
Edit2/UPDATE:
So Derek came home and we had a long two hour ish chat about what taking on this child would entail. I showed him my excel sheet that I made of what expenses would look like. I suggested he delay school so he can work to support his brother, or look into social security benefits and get a part time job to cover his brothers expenses. He put his foot down, and said that since I didn’t have to work while I went to school he shouldn’t have to either. He thinks that since we’re engaged my money is his money.
I asked what caring for his brother would be like, how he would even get his brother to school. How he would make time to cook for his brother, help him with hw, etc. He said that with both of us working together we could figure something out. Ultimately, I don’t want a child. I’ve been childfree for a reason, it’s because I care about my free time and money. I told him the only way I’d agree to take in his brother and move would be if he at least got a part time job that covers the roughly 1100 difference between what I’m spending to support both of us right now and the costs of a larger apartment and an extra person to be responsible for. As well as him agreeing to take sole responsibility for parenting him. I don’t want to take him back and forth to school everyday, be responsible for making sure he eats, etc.
Long story short, Derek gave me an ultimatum, support him and his brother or we split. It was pretty clear he was bluffing, but I agreed. Our rental agreement is month to month, so I told him I’d let our landlord know I’d be out before November 1st so he can take over the rental agreement. I’m currently packing my stuff to stay with a friend, but I should be able to find a place pretty soon. Derek has been begging me to stay, he has no job or way to pay for rent next month. So I offered to calculate what I owe him for supporting me, and after doing some math on what I’ve spent the last four months including the funeral expenses I’ll be sending him roughly 3.5k. It should hold him over for at least two months, enough time for him to find a job.
He’s been begging me to stay but I dont think I will. The fact that he gave me an ultimatum like that feels gross. He wasn’t willing to work at all, and I honestly think he would’ve pushed all the responsibilities of raising his brother off on me. Never thought i’d be in this position but I’ll be fine. At least I can finally adopt a cat after wanting one my whole life, Derek hates cats. Am I A Jerk?
Here are a few comments on the story where it was originally posted:
