It’s difficult to remain silent when one witnesses somebody parenting their kid and are sure that it’s not the proper way to raise a child, but it’s not one’s duty to tell the parent how to raise their child. However, there are times when you have to speak up, and an aunt in the story below was forced to do so. Read the story to know why this woman disagreed with her niece ‘s when they told her to lie to her niece. Read the story and what would you have done in this situation?
Source: Reddit
I (F29) have a brother, Hugo (M31). When Hugo was 19 he got his then-girlfriend Amy pregnant. They had their daughter Ashley (now 11) and later got married and had a baby boy (4).
Over the years, I’ve become close to Ashley. When I’m home (I live abroad) I take her out to shows, shopping, horse riding etc. We also keep in contact via text. She’s bright and thoughtful, just a pleasure to have around. Amy has never liked me but has mostly put this aside for Ashley.
Me and my bf are visiting my family for Christmas and then leaving to go skiing. We arranged for Ashley to come skiing and stay with us for New Years. Amy wasn’t keen on this idea but relented because Ashley was excited to learn how to ski, as all her school friends do.
I took my bf’s hire car to pick Ashley up from school on Friday, and she was excited because it’s a sports car and I let her friends sit in it and take pictures. At dinner, she asked if I would drive her to and chaperone her and her friends going ice skating on Tuesday in town. Hugo said I probably didn’t want to look after a bunch of kids, and Amy had already planned to chaperone. Ashley ignored him and begged me to chaperone. I didn’t really mind but Amy looked annoyed so I said I wouldn’t want to mess with the established plan. Ashley kept pushing, and said she didn’t want Amy to come because Amy dressed badly and was never fun and embarrassed her. Hugo told her to apologise, which she did, but she also kept insisting it was true. Amy got teary and Hugo kept telling Ashley she’d upset her mother but this just made Ashley angrier and she dug her heels in. Because of this, she was told she was not allowed to go ice skating and is now not speaking to Amy.
Yesterday, Amy and Hugo came to me and said they didn’t want Ashley to come skiing anymore. Amy feels like Ashley needs to spend more time with her family and Hugo is supporting her. They asked if I would tell Ashley that me and bf had changed our plans and wouldn’t be going on the trip anymore. I asked why and they said if they told Ashley the truth that she would blame Amy and that would defeat the point of her trying to build a bridge with Ashley. I said I understand that but I didn’t feel right lying to Ashley and if her parents had made the decision they need to deal with the consequences not push it onto me. Amy said if I cared about Ashley I would realise it’s best for me to fall on my sword rather than alienate her further from her mother. I said no again but Hugo said we should all take until Wednesday to think about it. Ashley is still being very standoffish to her mother, and I know if she finds out her mother cancelled the ski trip it will get worse, so now I’m wondering if I should go along with Amy’s plan. I just want what’s best for Ashley.
Editing to add the background to Amy and Ashley’s relationship (commented this elsewhere): A lot of it comes from Amy trying very hard to be Ashley’s friend. Amy was young when she had Ashley and she was quite isolated caring for her while Hugo worked and went to uni (he was cut off by our parents at that time). She threw all her efforts into being a mum and being as close to Ashley as humanly possible. Ashley has explained to me that this has become very suffocating to her. She is trying to forge her own circle and she feels like Amy insists on being part of it, while also refusing to engage with her on her level.
The second part is that my parents pay for Ashley to attend a very prestigious private school. Hugo and Amy are nowhere near as affluent as the other families and Ashley feels a bit left out. It’s part of the reason I have chipped in for some of her extra curricular activities. But the fact is, she doesn’t always feel like she fits in, which is hard for her. Her school is full of non-working “Range Rover/birkin” mothers who are either “cool” or absent, and Amy is neither. She’s involved but Ashley finds her stifling, and doesn’t want her involved in her social life.
It’s also my opinion that Ashley is trying to get some emotional space from her mother the only way she knows how – by making her not want to spend time with her. Amy doesn’t respond to her requests so I think she’s just resorting to being mean to her. Which obviously isn’t okay.
Edit 2 since this is being asked a lot: Ashley and I have talked since the dinner and she knows I think she shouldn’t have said what she said, we’ve talked about it. Even she said she shouldn’t have said what she said. Did I go ham and tell her she’s entitled/spoiled/throw the kitchen sink at her? No. But she knows I think she was wrong and she agrees.
Do you think the woman should try to protect Ashley’s mom from her daughter’s anger by lying to her?
