A woman’s sister recently got engaged to a man with a troubled past. The woman had a conversation with the man, in which he revealed some shocking details about his past, leading the woman to feel uncomfortable and ultimately share the information with her family, causing a rift between her and her sister.
Source: Reddit
I’m 37F and I come from a close-knit family. I have 2 younger siblings (28M and 27F) and my sister recently got engaged to FBIL (23M) after dating him for around a year. We all know him well and I have always got along with him. He comes from a rough background but he has always been very polite and charming. He doesn’t talk about his own family or about his upbringing. My sister said it’s a painful topic for him so no one ever pushed.
There was recently a family event which FBIL attended. He was quiet during the day (he is normally high-energy and sociable) then disappeared for a while. When I went outside for some fresh air I bumped into him. He was emotional and said it was a hard day for him due to negative associations. He ended up offloading some quite shocking things from his past including that he has a history of very serious drug use (including needles) and that he has done sex work and p**n (men and women). I felt for him at the time because he was so upset (literally crying on my shoulder) but afterwards I felt more and more uncomfortable. I still feel bad for him since he clearly regrets it but it’s very shocking to find out he has that kind of history and it does make me feel differently about him.
Obviously I told my husband what FBIL told me because I didn’t feel comfortable keeping it to myself. I also told my sister because I didn’t know how honest he had been with her and it could impact on her decision to marry him. She was angry and said she was fully aware and it doesn’t make her think less of him. I know others might disagree but I decided if my sister and FBIL weren’t going to bring it up then it was my responsibility to make sure my family had the information they needed to make an informed choice about what kind of relationship they have with him. My parents agreed that it was the right thing to do and were grateful. My brother said he could see my point but didn’t think it was my responsibility to share that information. My brother’s wife thought I was out of line.
When my sister found out I told our family about FBIL’s sketchy past, she was very angry. She is now refusing to speak to me altogether because apparently this has affected FBIL quite badly. They are no longer engaged because “he thinks he’s not good enough for her” and no one in my family has seen him since all of this happened. Obviously that wasn’t my intention and no one said “he isn’t good enough”. I think it’s naive to pretend that you see someone exactly the same way after finding out they’re an addict, whether you like it or not there are risks that come with that lifestyle and relapses are common. I’m concerned that my sister will get hurt and I don’t think it’s unreasonable for my family to have access to the same information I do, especially when they’re inviting him to their homes and there are children around etc.
Am I Wrong for informing my family about FBIL’s background?
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