Source: Reddit
TL;DR at the end I’m not sure if this belongs here or not, please let me know.
My ex husband and I had a great divorce. Even though he cheated on me after 12 years and two kids under 4, I really wanted to do things differently than my parents did during their divorce. I never said anything negative about him, and tried very hard to defend him when the kids got upset with him. I extended invitations to the woman he left me for so she would not feel uncomfortable with me and we became ‘friends’. She was basically their step mom, so why not include her on everything?
On holidays, we all had one big dinner (he and her and me and my bf). This made everyone comfortable and the kids never had to choose one side or the other as we were all on the same page. It was such a great relationship that when I had back surgery, I recovered at his house and she cooked for me; he and I were coaches for the kids basketball and baseball teams; and I helped at their wedding 13 years later. This was not easy for me, as he moved to another state to raise her children, leaving me to raise ours on my own. She quit her job when they got together and I had to return to work to support my kids. But I needed to keep the resentment and bitterness away from my kids.
All of this sets the tone for the divorce, but when he initially left, I spoke to a lawyer and got a separation agreement that was really great (for me). He asked that I not take half of his retirement but instead he would pay X in child support and additional Y in alimony (because he was making a lot of money and I was a stay at home mom with a country club membership Yuck – I hated saying that but it was only to set the scene). Normally alimony ends after 5 years, but because I didn’t get half of the 401K, the only condition on ending it was it would end on my re-marriage or my death (he agreed with all of it).
The thing is, when he left me to move down to where she lived, he left his cushy job and took this promising (but not delivering) position that really screwed him financially. But, he never went back to the lawyer to get the child support or alimony reduced. Instead, he borrowed from his mother.
When I discovered he was mooching off of her, I suggested to her that she stop paying for him when he finally got back on his feet. She never would do that and continued paying for his life and her to be a stay at home mom). Even co-signing for a second home for him when he finally moved back to raise his kids (hers had graduated and lived in his old house; ours were in HS).
He did come to me and ask if I would accept regular child support and half of the alimony, then later when he was really earning money he would pick back up on the past due amount. Not wanting to make waves in an otherwise great divorce, I said yes and kept track each month of what was owed in a shared spreadsheet with him so he could see how far in debt he was getting each month.
He ended up owing me $1,00/month x 10 years, but he said when the kids aged out of child support, he would continue to pay the same amount to make up for the alimony (which totaled $120,000).
When my daughter aged out, he continued to pay the same amount, putting a small dent in what he owed for three years. Then, as soon as my son aged out, I mean two weeks after he joined the Marines, he called me and told me there was no way he was going to continue paying me for the next X years and I could take him to court if I wanted but there is “No Fu^%#ing Way” he would pay me another cent.
This completely blew my mind as we had such a fantastic relationship and it came out of nowhere. I was completely freaked out, but I took his advice, I contacted an attorney, I sent all his calls to voicemail, per my attorney’s advice and I took him to court.
The best thing was, prior to the hearing, my attorney put a lien on both homes he had so he could not change ownership to his mom or wife prior to the court hearing. I still have the phone call recording when he realized this and the horrible names he called me for doing that.
Since I had kept such immaculate records from that day he changed payments, and he was aware of his debt rising each month, it was a slam dunk for my attorney. Instead of making small payments for a few years, he had 30 days to pay me $120,000 in full.
Unfortunately, the kids now have to choose which parent they visit on holidays, but that was not my fault. I was willing to continue as is and not put any strain on the family relationship.
And for those who are wondering, yes he did cheat on her 2x before they got married, but she had quit her job when they got together because she found a ‘sugar daddy’ and had nothing to fall back on/nowhere to go, so she stayed with him. (Since we were friends, she shared this info with me, as I would understand what she was going through)
The woman had a few updates for the r/MaliciousCompliance online community
Edit* I got my money on day 29. No other payments will be made.
Edit2* I think the reason he went crazy on me was his mother refused to pay anymore when my son aged out, but I explained that he owed a shit ton in back pay. That’s when he said “If you think I’m making payments to you forever, you’re fu%$ing nuts!” She had been paying his child support for 10 yrs because he never went back to a great paying job, even though he could have.
Yes, I went to work after separation and have a great career. But my income was still 1/4 of his when we were together because we moved every 3 yrs for his career. He wanted me to stay at home when the kids were born.
Edit3* It is obvious that people do not understand that as a stay at home mom, I could not contribute to my retirement fund because I didn’t have EARNED INCOME. Meaning no SS, 401k or IRA. So he maxed out his contributions so we could live comfortably in retirement. After 10 yrs of marriage I was legally entitled to half of his retirement. Since he asked me not to take half of his retirement, he offered alimony instead, then he decided not to pay what he offered and leave me with less retirement funds than I would have had in either case (slim my or half of his retirement) This is why it was important for me to get what was due. Not to live a cushy life, but for my retirement.
