Story by Kristen Gardiner
I cried in Walmart the other day. I couldn’t help it. I had been having a hard day and didn’t want to go anywhere. I just wanted to stay home and hide away from the world.
But my husband convinced me getting out of the house would be good for me, and we went to get some groceries. I was mad at him for “making” me do this. I started explaining why I didn’t want to go anywhere and what was bothering me and all of a sudden the tears just started pouring out. All the frustrations and anxieties I’d been trying to push away rushed out of me like water from a dam bursting.
Most of my frustrations stem from the fact that I feel like I am letting everyone around me down, including myself, yet I feel unable to make the changes that I want to make. I listed at least a dozen things I’ve failed at lately. And they aren’t just tiny mistakes, but pretty substantial things I am sucking at right now.
I am so PISSED OFF that I cannot cope better than I am right now. I SHOULD be able to. But I CAN’T. Yes I’m in therapy. Yes, I take meds. I don’t know why things seem extra hard right now. But it feels like this struggle is never going to be over, and that is the most depressing thought ever.
My kids deserve better. My husband deserves better. And I can’t give it to them right now which breaks my heart and makes me question why I am even here sometimes.
But funnily enough, admitting all those things out loud was exactly what I needed to start making me feel better. I slowly calmed down and we got done with the shopping.
My husband picked out a turkey that he wanted to smoke, which reminded me of how grateful I am for him because that will feed our family for several days without me having to cook at all. It took some pressure off of me.
From the beginning to the end of that shopping trip, my husband in his own quiet way shepherded me through the darkness. He doesn’t have to do that, but he does. That’s love.
Relationships are so important when you struggle with your mental health, whether they be with your partner, family member, or friend. God places people in our lives that can grab our hand to pull us forward while we reach behind us to pull someone else forward too. We need each other!
If you’re struggling, talk to someone. You aren’t alone. Social connections can bring a bright light into our darkest moments and remind us of the goodness in the world. Life is worth living. Don’t give up.
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