He died of suicide in 2002. He had become addicted to opioids after a work related accident that required 2 surgeries. During the last one, the surgeon accidentally severed an area near his spine which resulted in a near fatal infection. He was left with the grim prognosis that he’d never work again and he’d probably always have pain. He was prescribed pain killers and began abusing them when he had to double up to get relief. He doctor shopped and had 2 doctors prescribing him meds.
After 5 years, they decided to wean him, but the damage was done. He started buying them off the street, stealing money from our bank account, stealing from the kids, pawning our things, nearly bankrupting us. He killed himself after I kicked him out of our home, telling him he couldn’t come back unless he went to rehab.
BUT THIS DREAM!!
He was young and energetic. He was happy. He was laughing. He had no physical limitations. He was smiling and joyful. He was absolutely gorgeous. He was the man I had fallen in love with. I was young too, and we were back in our courtship days. He kept smiling at me and holding my hand. He came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me. He bent his head and kissed the side of my neck, the way he used to. In the dream, I was elated. In the dream, I kept thinking to myself, “Look at him! He’s gorgeous!” His face was right up next to mine and he was staring at me, and in the blink of an eye, he was gone.
I jolted awake saying his name out loud. I looked around to make sure my present husband hadn’t heard me, but luckily he was still at the gym. I spent the next 30 minutes sitting on the side of the couch hugging myself, rocking back and forth, with an idiotic grin on my face. I’m agnostic – I don’t believe our souls go someplace (heaven) when we die. I believe we just end. But I have to admit, I kept thinking, “I hope I’m wrong. I hope we DO go someplace, and I hope he’s in the place where I just saw him.”