When it comes to getting out of bed in the morning, it appears that there are two kinds of individuals: those who can easily get up early only to watch the rest of the world slowly wake up, and others who would miss the full morning routine in return for a few additional minutes in bed. To each their own, one would argue, but what occurs when a person’s morning routine affects their entire family? Read the story to know what happens between this couple and how you would react to such a situation.
Source: Reddit
My (26F) and my partner (28M) have 5 daughters: 7, 6, 4, 3 and 5 months. For a long time there’s been an issue with him getting up to help with the kids of a morning: he thinks he should be able to sleep in on his days off work, while I think he should get up when the kids and I do, or we should at least be alternating who lies in a bit. We’ve been seeing a therapist who has mentioned he should be helping more in the mornings.
Recently we had a family trip planned to the zoo with both of our parents, our sisters and their kids. Previously when we’ve gone out for the day I’ve needed to shake my partner awake several times, and he lies in bed while I get the kids ready. He’ll finally get up 5 minutes before we leave as I shout at him I’m getting in the car. I’ve mentioned to him that this is very frustrating as it’s a lot of work getting the kids ready to go out, and it’s not fair to leave it up to me while he lies in bed. He’d apologise and promise that the next time he’d get up and help.
The night before the trip I told him I’d need him to be awake at 6.30am, so we could get everyone ready to leave by 8am. He said he’d set an alarm and we went to bed. My alarm went off at 6.30am and I got up, while my partner kept sleeping. I decided I wasn’t going to wake him this time and continued getting the kids ready.
At 8am he was still sleeping, so I loaded the kids in the car and we set off. We arrived at the zoo at 9.30am, and his family asked where he was. I mentioned he was still in bed and chose not to come.
At 10.15am I got a phone call from him asking where everyone was. I said we went to the zoo as planned, and I waited for him to get up but he never did. He got really mad and told me that I should’ve woken him up like I always do, and I caused him to miss the trip. He then called his mum and complained to her, who yelled at me in the middle of the zoo that I was being unfair and I should’ve given him a shake to let him know he needed to get up, and that I was about to leave. My mother jumped in and said it wasn’t my responsibility to get him out of bed, and he needed to take responsibility for himself. A few more words were exchanged and his family stalked off for the rest of the trip.
I had a blast with my kids, parents, sister, and my nephews. When we got home my partner started on me again about how I should’ve woken him up.
So Am I A Jerk for not waking him up and going without him?
A few things have come up I want to clarify:
- He wasn’t always like this. When the oldest two were little he was always up with them. He even get up before anyway else to cook breakfast before going off to work. We had to move in with his parents at one point and that’s where things started to change. His family are incredibly misogynistic (dad works then comes home, watches TV and drinks beer while his mum does everything else, including getting him up for work etc.) These beliefs seem to have rubbed off on him, and his mum is very quick to tell him something is the ‘woman’s job’.
- He’s seeing a therapist independently who has suggested some form of depression.
- He’s generally pretty good otherwise. He will help with dinner, cleaning, putting the kids to bed etc. He’s not entirely useless. Getting out of bed in the morning is a long standing issue though.
- He has a vasectomy after baby #4, which turned out to be incomplete. I had a hysterectomy.
UPDATE: AITA for not waking my partner up and causing him to miss a family trip?
After posting this I received messages expressing concern and advice so I thought I’d update about how things turned out.
The morning after this incident my partner got out of bed when the kids did and took the older girls out for breakfast. Later I asked him if he’d be willing to read the thread and he agreed. He was very subdued afterwards, and didn’t say much except for agreeing that he was an AH. The next day he took off work and saw his GP, started on anti-depressants, and we had a long talk.
He was ashamed by how he was acting and to see strangers comparing him to children. He cried when realised how much he was letting everyone down, especially his daughters who will grow up thinking this is normal behaviour.
He confirmed that this all started when we lived with his parents a few years back. He left home at 17 to get away from his mother, and she told him he’d fail as men need a woman to look after them. He felt like a failure so it was easy for his mother to feed him other ideas, and she would also manipulate things I did to look like he was incompetent as a person (eg. I’d tell him to relax and I’d handle the dishes, and his mother twisted it into me thinking he was incompetent) so he should just stop helping at all. He’d wake up feeling useless, and she managed to convince him that he was unhappy because I wasn’t taking care of him the way a wife should.
He decided to got no contact with her which didn’t go well. She cried and told him he was a horrible son for abandoning his mother, and that I was trying to control him by ‘forcing’ him to do it. He blocked her but she’d just use different numbers to continue calling him. After a week or so he ended up changing his number, and we haven’t heard from his family since.
He bought up that he was unhappy at work as it wasn’t stimulating enough, but he felt like he couldn’t leave. I offered to pick up some part time work but he said no. He talked to his boss and took some time off, and eventually quit.
He spoke to my dad who used some connections and got him a good job at his company. The new job is a primarily work from home position, so he is able to help with the girls more and has more free time. He is able to take the girls to school and watch them play while he works which they all enjoy.
Before he started the new job he booked a trip for us to go to the snow for a week. We had a blast and it was lovely to see him relaxed and happy and enjoying our girls and life. He’s promised to be more honest about how he’s feeling and our relationship has improved immensely.
Thank you for everyone who gave judgement and advise, as he says it really helped him see things more clearly, especially the toxic relationship with his mother.
