Story by Sandi Chambers
Dear You,
We haven’t “talked” in what seems years. We haven’t had that “you’re good for my soul” talk that I have always loved. I haven’t been able to tell you about the newest events happening in my life or what my future plans are. I haven’t been able to call you up and just check in with you. I haven’t been able to vent or get your opinion on something going that gives me anxiety. I haven’t been able to text you just to say hi. We haven’t talked anymore about what plans we have in the future as we grow old and watch our children become best friends, like we once were.
How are you? I’m genuinely asking and care what your answer is, because I still care about you. I still care that you’re trying to find “the one.” I still care that you are wanting to go back to school and make a career change. I still care that you’re struggling with the decision of whether or not to have more children. I still care that you’re hurt from a previous relationship. I still care that you’ve just recently lost someone and are hurting. And I miss you. We may have not been in one another’s lives for that long, but know that you’ve made a lasting impact on me. If I didn’t think you did, I wouldn’t be writing this to you, right now.
I know what you’re thinking. -“Sandi, how many “yous” are out there?”
And my honest answer is- “Too many. Probably four or five of you.”
I get it. That’s A-L-O-T. Especially within the past seven-ish years. Believe me when I say that I’m now realizing that the number is high, because of me. I blame myself for having so many different “yous.” I’m currently working through some things within myself that is going to eventually give me the answers I need in how I’ve let this happen.
Okay, let me back up. I don’t completely blame myself. I mean, I probably pushed it you in to feeling the way you feel about me. However, no offense, some of this can fall on you. I don’t think I’ve ever been secretive with you about the type of anxiety I deal with. I don’t think I’ve ever hid why I am the way I am around you or anyone else. I’ve always tried to be open with you in regards to what I need in my life from someone like you. I’ve been honest when I say that I’m high maintenance and expect way too much.
Is that what made you pull away? Was my expectations of what I thought you should be or would be wrong? Because, in my mind, I’ve experienced a harsh “friendship breakup” once before and it really took a toll on me. I have learned to truly value what I have in my life. I am by no means perfect. I have my flaws. I KNOW these things about myself. But, I’m confused, however, as to how you could know my faults, have your own “issues” and then judge me for mine or refuse to “compromise” with me because the way we deal with them were different?
I have a wall up now. I’m so scared of letting anyone close to me, because I refuse to go through that “breakup” again.
This letter isn’t to make you feel bad and I truly apologize if it does. It is definitely not my intention. All of these questions I’m asking are very rhetorical. I’m asking myself these very same questions that I’ve probably judged others in my life for. I’m still struggling to find the right “you” to have in my life. I will not hesitate to let others know of my faults. They should know up front who I am and ask themselves if they can really handle who I am. I need to know who I can depend on and I need someone who will understand that at my ripe age of 35 years old, I still have flaws and weaknesses. I still get scared and worried I’ll die alone. But, I still deserve you.
I ask you these rhetorical questions because I think it helps me reflect on who I want to be. I need to understand what type of “you” that I need in my life, so I can be that same way back. Part of me wants to give up on finding you at all, but I also know that’s not in the best interest of future me. I have a big heart and a caring soul. I genuinely care about the people closest to me and only have their best interest at heart.
We aren’t “us” anymore. That doesn’t mean I don’t care about you anymore, though. I do and will forever be grateful for everything you’ve taught me about friendship and about myself. Thank you.
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