Source: Reddit
I (33f) have a 13yo son named Adam that I’ve raised on my own. His dad, Chris (34m), was someone I met in college. We had mutual friends and started dating when we were 18 & 19yrs old. We broke up because he told me that his family would never accept a woman like me (I’m a poc) and he didn’t want to put either of us through that. I found out I was pregnant a few weeks later, and when I told him about the baby, he basically told me to stay out of his life.
I didn’t contact Chris again after that. I even transferred colleges, but I kept in touch with the friends I had there. Some of them knew that he and I had broken up, but not everyone knew I was pregnant. When I had Adam, I contacted a few people to announce it, but otherwise I just kept to myself and focused on my son. I didn’t think to worry about Chris beyond maybe helping Adam track him down someday when he was older.
A few months ago, I got a message from one of the friends I kept up with from college. He said that he was still friends with Chris as well, and Chris had asked him if he had my number. He made sure it was okay with me before giving it to him. Chris texted me asking if he could get to know my son. I told him I’d talk to Adam about it first, and Adam eventually agreed to start talking to him. They’ve had pretty consistent messages back and forth and one or two phone calls over the past few months.
Chris asked if we’d be comfortable having dinner with him and his wife, and because Adam said he really wanted to, I said okay and we set a time/place. Adam went to go to the restroom and Chris went to go get his phone out of the car because he’d left it there on accident, so when his wife Grace (34f) and I were alone, she said that she wasn’t “judging” my choice to do so, but she wanted to know why I waited so long to tell Chris he had a son.
I kind of laughed and told her that I told Chris I was pregnant the day after I found out about it and he asked me to stay away so I did. Him not knowing my son was his choice. She looked shocked and told me that Chris had informed her that he’d only found out about Adam a few months ago. I said I was sorry her husband lied to her but he’s known about Adam the whole time.
Dinner was painfully awkward after that, so it ended a little early. Later in the night when I was getting ready for bed, I got a text from Chris asking why I had told his wife that he had lied to her about the “situation”. I said it wasn’t my place to cover for him, but then he replied that I should’ve just told her to talk to him about it instead of telling her something that could ruin their marriage. He thinks I did it as some “gotcha” for how things ended for us.
I will admit that I knew telling her the truth was probably gonna make some waves, but the only thing I feel remorseful about is the fact that this is probably going to screw things up for the relationship he’s trying to have with my son.
Still, was I the AH for telling her?
ETA:
I had a conversation with Adam about why the dinner became so awkward last night, and he has said that he doesn’t want to talk to Chris anymore because he doesn’t think he’ll get anything beneficial from a relationship with his bio father that he doesn’t already have in his life. I obviously respect that choice and I told him that I could tell Chris that for him if he’d like me to, but he said he’d call or text him on his own.
Also I don’t plan to get any child support from Chris because it’s not something Adam wants, and because in order to get support I’d have to put Chris on the birth certificate and I’m not comfortable doing that. I don’t want him to have any sort of access to my son, and Adam has said he doesn’t want him to have rights over him either.
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