I (33f) just got engaged to my boyfriend, now fiance (33m) of 4 years. My stepsister (35f)/ stepmother’s daughter is on the slower side mentally, but I don’t know exactly what her diagnosis is because her stepmother / my dad’s wife is in denial about it all while cuddling her at the same time.
My step sister is not dangerous but she can behave awkwardly and inappropriately and just makes people uncomfortable. She has always had a crush on my boyfriend, now fiance, and has gotten angry whenever we acted like a normal couple. She cries and throws tantrums for hours upon hours over it, so we have been in low contact with my father as a result.
I called my dad to let him know we got engaged, and he is wanting me to hide it for a while, to not tell anyone at the 4th of July party we were supposed to go to this weekend, to not put it on social media and to come to the party without my ring until my step sister can “get used to it” after my dad “gently breaks it to her.” And he said not to act “too close” with him at the party, mind you we’ve never done inappropriate pdas we just acted like a normal couple.
I asked him how long he expected us to keep up this charade for and he said in a very annoyed tone “I don’t know, just give us time to break it to her.” And I told him under these conditions that we would be declining the invitation to the party and all other family events until we’re allowed to act like a normal couple, and I absolutely will not hide it on my social media I will put it up just as any other newly engaged couple and let the chips fall where they may.
And I said if he’s not going to be 100% supportive of my engagement and marriage then he does not need to come to my wedding. That I’m not going to disrespect my fiance by acting ashamed of him in public. And I told him in order for us to resume contact he needs to be publicly supportive of my relationship not just secretly or under the radar.
My stepmother picked up the other line and joined us on the phone. She said I’m being selfish, that I know how hard my step sister has it that she’ll never have what I do and I should be understanding and considerate. And my dad basically agreed with her, although it’s none of my business my stepmom clearly wears the pants in the relationship so to speak and my dad will always acquiesce to her.
I told them that since they’re ashamed of us that they will never have to worry about justifying our existence to anyone ever again because we will not be coming around and they will not be invited to my wedding unless they have an attitude makeover, let me act like any other normal couple and our 100% supportive of my upcoming marriage and hung up.
My dad’s side of the family says I’m being insensitive, that my step sister hasn’t really worked hard and will never have what I have and I need to be gentle with her. I told them if they want to handle her with kid gloves that’s their prerogative but I’m not going to. I’m going to live my life and they have absolutely no right to tell me what I can and can’t put on my social media. Am I A Jerk? What should I do?