Source: Reddit
We have two kids, Ava (35f) and Heather (33f). We have a great relationship with both kids.
About 12 years ago, Ava got engaged to her now husband. We bought them a house in our neighborhood and then the next year paid for their wedding.
Heather has lived in a few different cities, taken different college programs, etc. She seems content to keep exploring where her happiness is, and I think that’s great.
About 10 years ago, different plots of land came for sale in our neighborhood, We asked Heather which she wanted. She thanked us for the thought, but said that she didn’t know where she wanted to be and that we shouldn’t buy land for her. We ended up buying a plot of land near us. We told her, she again thanked us but never made use of the land.
Fast forward to now, Heather approaches us, clearly nervous, and respectfully asks if we would be able to help her with a down payment for a house in the city where she lives. She was clear she understood if that was not possible.
This has caused an argument between myself (56f) and my wife (60f). I would love to help Heather, but honestly we are in very different financial circumstances now then we were before. We are hoping to retire soon, and do not have a lot of excess money.
My wife thinks that Heather does not ask for much and that we have clearly helped one child significantly more than the other. (Ava’s wedding cost tens of thousands of dollars and the house was obviously hundreds of thousands). She thinks we should sacrifice whatever we can to help Heather. To be clear, we have financially helped Heather over the years, helped with decorations when she’s moved, with furniture, etc. (I know it’s not the same, but I want to be clear we are involved in both kids’ lives). I also know that Heather would be uncomfortable if she knew us contributing to her house was impacting our retirement.
I think if we talk to Heather openly about the difference in our financial circumstances now and then, she would understand.
My wife wants to sell the piece of land in our neighborhood to give Heather the money. I really don’t want to do that. For a few reasons. Including that I think Heather would regret that in the future because she has mentioned once or twice over the years that she will want to move back home when she’s older. Prices for land here have gone up significantly. To be frank, nobody in our family could ever afford to buy here now or in the future. Am I A Jerk for not being able to give Heather the down payment?
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