I need some advice desperately. I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years now, our anniversary was on Valentine’s Day. He’s a great guy and every time we fought it was about something unserious and we would get over it quickly. Compared to my last relationship where we were constantly bickering and even borderline abusive this relationship is a complete 180.
We are both child free by choice. My reasonings are that I’m the oldest of 9 and raised all my siblings myself. My parenting days are long over and I intend to live my life solely focused on me and my happiness. My boyfriend is child free because he said he never wanted kids and never saw himself as a dad. He was the one to even initiate the topic saying it was important that he not enter a relationship with someone that wanted kids which I loved since before him EVERY single guy I’ve ever been with wanted children so I just felt like I would have to compromise and have kids in order to experience that love.
Last month I found out he’s been hiding something from me for weeks now. Well I should say years, but weeks since it re entered his life. He had started acting suspicious hiding his phone screen and taking calls away and not being as close with me and my anxiety got the best of me. I never imagined he could ever be cheating on me since I trusted him so much but what my ex did to me had me spinning.
One night when he was grabbing something from the store he left his laptop screen up. I went into his messages and saw that he’s been speaking to someone named “Ben” texting back and forth which eased my nerve but saw he had another group chat with Ben and a girls name included. I looked through it and I felt like I was going crazy. They were calling him dad and updating them on their day. I was so confused and then scrolled into his separate conversation with Ben and the very first message was him asking if this was the correct number from the email he got.
Immediately I went into his email and saw in his deleted folder that someone named “Ben” had messaged him saying he’s 12 and that he just found out that my boyfriend is his and his TWIN SISTERS dad because their birth mom passed away and they travelled back home to their hometown for the funeral and found out his name and he found his email through my boyfriends photography booking in his social media bio.
I kept reading but I was so confused and sick. We’re only 29. How can he have 12 year old children he ever told me about?! That he gave up for adoption at birth and never mentioned. He didn’t even start acting weird when his ex passed whom he never mentioned when we discussed our dating history, only when they emailed him.
He had come home so I closed everything and didn’t mention it but throughout the past week I’ve been going through his emails and texts reading everything to get caught up. It seems like they want him to be in their lives and he’s open to it saying he wants to be in their lives as well and he loves them and that sometime this year they’ll meet if their adoptive parents are cool with it?! Was he just planning to do this all behind my back?
I want to confront him about it but I’m scared of the outcome. I love him but I can’t believe he lied to me about not having kids and is now trying to be in their lives and not let me know. I feel evil for going through his personal things which is how I found out and I know it’s technically the “noble” thing but I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to ask him to choose between that relationship or me but isn’t it basically that? What should I do? How should I approach this? Breaking up is the last thing I want to do.